The Eccentric Delusion
by PlotbunnyChariot
Summary: Kirk wakes up to find certain things changed aboard the Enterprise. He can't speak anymore and the Bridge crew are acting incredibly odd...and then he realizes that this is no game; his life could be at stake. What is happening to everyone, and what will Kirk do? Read on to find out! Full of drama and hilarity at the same time. :)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello dear reader! Please note well that I own absolutely nothing, especially the quotes. I used full-out Portal and Portal 2 quotes and do not own them at all. Someone else came up with them, not me. Whoever that is, is a total genius by the way. All rights go to whoever owns the rights. Which isn't me. Just clarifying. You'll see that I used them for a reason in the story-line, and quite frankly I think they're hilarious! Anyway, I hope you enjoy. :)**

**Chapter 1: It Begins**

Kirk woke up in horrendous pain, his head throbbing like a woodpecker was trying to build a nest in there. He remembered the ship bucking as it hit an anomaly in the solar wind currents and his body flying through the air, but after that? Nothing. He must have hit his head flying into something, and he was just waking up.

He struggled to sit up, blinking as his eyes tried to re-adjust and holding his head in his hands. He noticed Nurse Chapel standing nearby, looking at readings on a tricorder, and he tried to call over to her. For some reason, the proper sounds wouldn't come out of his throat. What was going on? Punching the assist button on the bio-bed itself, he smiled as the nurse turned his way. Yet for same reason, her face looked different than how he remembered it. Had his memory gotten messed up as well?

She walked over, skirt shuffling, and smiled at him. "Here are the test results," she suddenly said in an eery, monotone voice. "You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'a horrible person'. We weren't even testing for that."

Kirk's mouth made a big, shocked "O".

Suddenly Scotty walked into his line of sight and firmly, if a little tentatively, pushed Nurse Chapel out of the way. The engineer talked rapidly and almost in-cohesively, and his words were punctuated by his thick accent, but Kirk somehow understood what he said.

"Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Uh, although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage."

Nurse Chapel pushed her way back in again and commented with a smirk, "Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds."

What. Was. Going. On.

He struggled to get out of the bio-bed, thankful for Scotty's help despite the man's sudden dip into insanity. As Scotty guided Kirk out of Sickbay and onto the Bridge, he muttered under his breath, "Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, all right? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing; just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me, never saw me."

Fearful for his life in the sudden, crazy circumstances, Kirk looked up to see Lieutenant Uhura standing at her post. "Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable," she said matter-of-factly. "It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck."

Kirk's eyes nearly popped out of his skull as he recognized the Klingon ships off to starboard, and he fell into his seat, trying to yell out commands but unable to. Desperate and clueless as to why he was suddenly mute, he launched himself to Chekov's station and started firing and navigating at the same time. Tense minutes later, the Klingon ships turned tail and Kirk flopped back in his chair, relieved and terrified at the same time.

"Well done, android," Uhura commented with a smug look on her face. "The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."

_What in the world does that mean?_

He glanced nervously at Chekov, whose face had an impossibly huge smile on it. Kirk jumped as the kid opened his mouth. "Space. Space. Spppaaaaaacccceee!"

He wanted desperately to open his mouth to ask what was going on, but no sounds would push their way out from his vocal cords. Perfect.

What was happening to his crew, his ship? What bored, quasi-omnipotent being had decided to divert himself with them? If Trelane was back again he was going to...

His thoughts were abruptly interrupted as a figure he recognized well stepped through the turbolift doors and onto the bridge. Surely Bones would be able to clear up this sudden insanity, if anyone could.

"Alright, I've been thinking," the doctor's gruff voice resounded over the Bridge. "When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your - lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to build a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"*

Okay then. Scratch McCoy off the "sane" list.

"Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!" Uhura almost yelled, eyes shining in apparent, whole-hearted agreement with the doctor.

Kirk took the two seconds of their distraction that he had to glance around, feverishly wondering how to escape the Bridge and get somewhere safe to plan his next step. These people were crazy. His eyes happened to lock with Sulu's. "I'm different," the man whispered, huddled around his console. Kirk's heart jumped for a second in the hope that Sulu wouldn't be as insane as the others. He was quickly disappointed as the Lieutenant's eyes glazed over and he added, "Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds."

Yeah, he had to get out of here. Now.

He had no choice; he booked it for the turbolift doors, only to see Nurse Chapel standing eerily within them. He knew by know that whatever she said wasn't going to be pleasant. "All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!"

She caught him off guard by grabbing him by the ear and throwing him into the turbolift. The doors shut far too quickly and his stomach lurched as the lift zoomed down, far faster than normal - and seemingly no longer supported by anything. He was in free-fall.

He grabbed for the emergency halt lever, but he was too late. His body rocketed up as the turbolift crashed.

And then everything went dark.

**What's going to happen next? Please leave a review and I hope you like it so far! More updates to come. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: You Thought Things Were Crazy Before?**

Kirk woke up groggily to see the turbolift doors sparking as they opened halfway and closed repetitively. Beyond them, and beyond the headache tearing at his brain, the lights of the lower Engineering deck were on half-power and flickering on and off. Sparks fizzled out of wires and monitors, and the giant screen that usually told all the specs of the engines was fuzzy and blank.

Groaning at the pain racking his body, but amazed to find that he hadn't broken every bone he currently possessed, Kirk managed to slip between the turbolift doors and onto the deck. Where was everyone? And how had the place become so damaged? Had the ship been attacked while he was out? He couldn't really tell how long he'd been unconscious, even if he had been near a working clock, because he hadn't noticed the time he'd entered the Bridge for a reference. So there was another query to add to the list. But wondering about those questions wouldn't get him anywhere. He had to figure out what was happening to his ship and his crew, and sitting around wouldn't do the job. This called for action.

A spirit of determination came over him, and he went to do what only he could do. Excepting Scotty or Spock-and who knew where Spock was, he hadn't been on the Bridge-Kirk was the one man who knew anything and everything about his ship. And that was about to come in very handy.

He first managed to pry open a first aid station on one of the room's walls. He wasn't a doctor, but he'd been around Bones long enough, had been hurt quite enough, and had taken enough required courses at the Academy to know the basics. Soon he was as patched up as possible, despite a few persistent aches. Opening up an emergency weapons dispensary with the proper override code, he pulled out the one weapon he knew better than any other: the phaser. He tested out the balance of the sleek object in his hand even as he set the power rating to heavy stun. These people were still his crew, as far as he could tell. Whether some mass insane space fever had overcome them, some alien was playing tricks on them, or this was all just an allusion, he had to be prepared for anything without harming his people. However, he felt perfectly fine with harming whoever had caused all of this.

No one messes with James T. Kirk's ship or crew.

No one.

**oooooOOOOOOOooooo**

He was in the process of making his way through the darkened deck, maneuvering around sparking equipment and doorways, when he heard an all too familiar voice.

"Ah, brilliant! You made it through! Well done. Okay, follow me. We've still got work to do. At least she can't touch us back here."

Scotty's face was beaming almost as brightly as his red shirt, and even though the man had clearly taken a turn for insanity, he was still better off as an ally than anything else. How he'd gotten down here so fast-depending on how long Kirk had been out-was a mystery, but knowing him, the engineer had scurried through some Jefferies tubes faster than what was humanly possible. He knew those things like the back of his hand and probably still did, even if he was half crazy. Hopefully Kirk could figure out a way to restore him later on, but for the moment he'd just have to work with the guy.

Kirk wasn't sure how long it took the two of them, but after going through too many Jefferies tubes to count, tiny crawl-spaces even he'd hardly noticed before, and dodging sizzling wires and equipment that blocked their path, it may as well have been days.

Nevertheless, somehow Scotty led him to a tiny ventilation space right above the Bridge. Talking would give away their position, but by now they both knew where they were. Besides, for some reason Kirk was mute now anyway. And he didn't have time to wonder how Scotty could have the sense to stay quiet if he was so delirious, because at that moment the panel below them decided to give out.

He had no clue, absolutely no clue, how they both withstood the fall so easily. But they did. And at that point, he had bigger things to worry about.

Uhura and Chapel turned around in shock at the sudden crash, and Spock spun slowly around in his chair. Huh. Kirk hadn't noticed him there before; the Vulcan must have just come on the Bridge. If he was crazy too, there was no telling what Kirk was going to do...

Kirk managed to scramble to his feet, pulling out his still-present phaser. He felt sick when Uhura's smile became twisted. Her chilling voice made his blood turn to ice.

"We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success."

Sulu cut in and blew a party noisemaker.

"Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides," Chapel added, stepping forward and continuing Uhura's tradition of using a creepy robotic tone. "A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party."

A Security crewman stepped into Kirk's line of sight, phaser in hand and clearly under the control of the combined forces of Uhura and Chapel. Apparently he was the party associate. Whatever that was.

Kirk didn't exactly want to go to this party. But to be honest, he didn't get the chance to stun anyone.

Scotty broke in first.

Things went to a whole new level of crazy after the engineer started jabbering with Uhura and Chapel. They were talking so rapidly that Kirk missed half of their conversation, but he didn't miss Scotty suddenly stealing his only phaser and stunning the two women. Not to mention the engineer jumping up and down with glee after the action.

Seriously, if someone had caused this insanity to happen to his crew, he _was_ going to find him. This was just...messed up. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have much time to react. As usual. That problem seemed to be following him quite consistently lately, and he didn't like it. At all.

"I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but wow, this is cool!" Scotty exclaimed as he brushed past Kirk and flopped down in the command chair, twirling the phaser effortlessly around in his left hand.

Well then. Someone had just switched sides. Scotty was no longer an ally, and Kirk was in trouble. Great, just great.

Part of Kirk desperately wanted to viciously tackle him and take back his chair-_no one_ touched that chair-but the other part of him was trying to use logic, of all things. The way that Scotty was spinning that phaser around just screamed that the guy, suddenly insane as he was, was an incredible shot. And that particular phaser had been stolen from Kirk in about two seconds flat, so really, he didn't have much of a weapon to use against the crazed engineer. Besides that, Sulu and Chekov were clearly braced to aid their new leader if possible, as well as the Security man. Not that James T. Kirk had ever cared much about the odds or the numbers, but this was different. Dealing with a random and half-insane crew with barely any information about what was going on was not the best of circumstances. And for some reason, his brain was insisting he be smart.

So instead of attacking the guy straightaway, Kirk surveyed his surroundings and backed up slowly towards the turbolift, which now seemed to be quasi-operational again. At least, there wasn't a gaping whole or half ripped up wires where the lift would be. So that was a good sign.

Noticing where Kirk was going, Scotty immediately added, "Oh! Right! The escape lift! I'll call it now." Punching a button on the armrest, Scotty gave a big grin and continued talking excitedly about his new role. Kirk had tuned him out before, but now he heard much more of Scotty's excited gibberish. Great. He was quickly, and thankfully, distracted as the turbolift showed back up in its proper place. Where was he supposed to go now? And why had Scotty called it an escape lift, if the apparent big threats had been nullified already?

"There we go. Lift called," Scotty chirped pleasantly as the lift settled in place. "Go on. Get in."

Every fiber of Kirk's being told him not to do it, but he couldn't seem to stop himself, and really he had nowhere else to go. As he neared the lift, he noticed Spock again out of the corner of his eye. The Vulcan had barely moved a muscle the entire time. Was he crazy too, or had he somehow escaped the madness and was blending in until he thought of a way out? Kirk felt like someone was staring at him other than Spock, so he turned his body slightly as he made his way to the door.

Scotty's face had turned far darker than before.

He just couldn't get a break, could he?

"Actually, why do we have to leave right now?" the engineer spoke slowly, an evil grin lighting up his face as he punched the button again, closing the turbolift doors.

Great. The one time Kirk wanted to use the lift was the one time he wasn't being offered it. What was up with that?!

"Do you have any idea how good this feels?" Scotty continued. _Sitting in the chair?_ Yeah, Kirk did know. He wanted that chair back. Now.

Scotty's tone suddenly changed. "You know what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here! What have you sacrificed? Nothing. Zero. All you've done is boss me around. Well, now who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me. Well, maybe it's time I did something then."

Scotty's hand got a firmer grasp on his phaser.

It seemed like gravity decided to call it a day as something suddenly knocked Kirk aside right before he could get shot. He scrambled to his feet to see Scotty reeling with a black eye and Spock tearing open the turbolift doors. "This way!" the Vulcan yelled, and Kirk didn't think twice. Soon the turbolift was zooming down incredibly fast, but thankfully not out-of-control fast. He didn't have the breath, or the time, to question Spock before they hit the deck Spock must have requested. He honestly hadn't heard the Vulcan say a word, but that might've been because he had been running for his life from an insane engineer who had just stolen his ship from two equally insane women.

Yeah. It was one of _those_ kinds of days.

"This way," Spock threw over his shoulder, leading the way down another abandoned hallway. Where was everyone? Whatever, at this point it was probably a good thing. Kirk wasn't sure how many more psychopathic people he could handle at that point. It was certainly a trend now.

"Over here!" Spock almost yelled as he opened an engineering-accessible door and started sliding down a maintenance ladder. What was he doing? It wasn't like him to just yell directions and randomly go down ladders. Then again, was that what anyone was likely to do? At this point, the overall logic of the situation was quickly deteriorating. Kirk didn't want to bother questioning it. He just followed.

Spock led him through dozens of areas, all the while giving directional guidance and occasionally muttering under his breath as he did so. Clearly he hadn't escaped insanity either, but at least he seemed better off than everyone else. Still, even though his words were hard to distinguish, Kirk thought he could hear Spock muttering, "the cake is a lie" under his breath multiple times. Beyond that, Scotty's voice on the ship-wide PA system kept begging him to come back and threatening him with violent deaths if he didn't in turn.

This was just getting tiring now. Seriously.

"Over here," Spock motioned as he stood in the main engineering observation area for the main warp core reactor. Kirk approached hesitatingly, wondering if the Vulcan wanted to somehow fry him down here, though why he had no clue. The Vulcan stood oddly silent, even for him, and at Kirk's questioning looks merely gestured towards the override console for the reactor nearby. Had the guy gone mute as well?

Slowly, Kirk's mind put two and two together. For some reason, Spock wanted him to override the warp core reactor and cause it to shut down, but he had no clue why. Still, at this point, he really didn't have a better idea. He could go stock up on weapons and stun his whole Bridge crew; he could lock them all up in the brig and take back his ship, but what then? Even if he managed to accomplish it, he knew nothing about the cause of the insanity or how to repair it, and if everyone on the ship was compromised as he assumed, he wouldn't be able to get very far. Even contacting Starfleet would be a long shot. This was really his best option, stupid as it sounded, and logic apparently didn't always work here anyway. At this point, he figured he might as well go for it as not.

The second he overrode the system, he knew something very important.

This was either a very good idea, or a horrendously bad one.

Because everything was starting to spin.

**Hi everyone! I really hoped you enjoyed Chapter Two. The final chapter is coming up very soon, but reviews would be very helpful to get it updated and out there. :D **

**The poor little review box done there (see it? right down there. nope, to the right a bit...there ya go) is hungry and lonely and sad. Please fill up that review box with reviews to make it feel better. You Pokemon lovers, think of a Charmander caught out in the rain without an umbrella. Save the Charmander! Er, I mean, review box. :D Thanks for listening to the review rant. Have an awesome day! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Is It Really the End?**

Muffled voices trickled into his subconscious, growing louder and merging together until they almost overwhelmed him. He fought to wake up, despite the pain in his head that was growing more and more real with each second that he fought. Memories swirling back to him of the recent chaos made him push harder.

He opened his eyes to see Spock in front of him. Was he still by the warp core reactor? Wait...no, Christine Chapel was there, and Bones too. Had he been captured?

"Jim, you're back! Are you okay?"

Well, that didn't sound too insane. What was going on?

"You've been out for about a day. Scott said the ship bucked funny in the solar wind or something-"

"The correct terminology-"

"Spock, I'm a doctor, not an engineer!" Bones spat before continuing with his story like nothing had happened. "And somehow, you hit your head during it. I don't know how you managed to do it, Jim, but you always do. You feeling alright now? Scans are looking pretty positive for you, given everything, but I want to know how _you're_ feeling, not the scanners."

Kirk groaned as he sat up, holding his head and blinking to clear his vision of Sickbay. Scientist, doctor, and nurse looked at him expectantly. Would he be able to talk?

He accepted the cup of water Bones offered him and slowly cleared his throat. The odd sound that escaped his mouth was first shocking and then hilarious, but soon he managed to speak normally. His original difficulty must have been purely psychological.

"You sure you're alright, Captain?" Christine teased with a laugh.

"Quite alright, thank you, Christine," Kirk replied with a Spockian eyebrow. She blushed but laughed to herself anyway, casting Spock a quick glance before returning her attention to the current conversation.

"So how are you feeling, Jim?" McCoy pressed.

"I'm...fine," Kirk replied, not sure how to put everything to words. "I had the strangest dream..."

He noticed the quick look Bones exchanged with Spock. What did that mean?

"A dream, Jim? What kind of dream?" McCoy asked, his brow already furrowing.

"It was just a weird nightmare, Bones, nothing more. What's the problem? Why is this such a big deal to you?"

"Erm..." McCoy cleared his throat. "Did it by any chance have to do with that video game you were playing earlier?"

Kirk frowned instantly. "What video game?"

McCoy groaned as he shuffled around in his medical equipment. "Figures," he muttered under his breath. "Concussion like that, he's gonna lose some memory. I'll have to run a test to be sure, but the amnesia should only be temporary..."

"Bones, what are you talking about?" Kirk demanded, trying to lift himself up to a better sitting position in the Sickbay bed. "What memory loss? I remember hitting the solar flare, and you said I got knocked out after that. What more is there for me to remember?"

Bones shook his head and pulled up a chair. "Jim, first off, relax," he started. "Moving around like that won't help you. You still need more rest and treatment, so for Pete's sake, calm down." When Kirk had settled and fixed an impatient, demanding glare on his doctor, McCoy turned to Spock. "You want to explain?" he asked. "You know more than I do on this one."

Raising an eyebrow, Spock assented and began. "Jim, while you were unconscious I attempted a mind-meld to bring you back. While within your mind, I realized that you were having a dream of sorts, but I could not see fully into it; I also did not understand the references within it that I could see. I looked back further into your mind and found the reference source." Spock titled his head slightly, perhaps trying to hide some amusement. "Apparently, you had played two ancient Earth games for several hours straight before showing up for your shift on the day of your injury. I believe they were called Portal and Portal 2."

Sufficient to say, the memory flashed back to the now-embarrassed Captain Kirk.

Spock's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly, a clear sign that he found the whole situation humorous. "I proceeded to try to enter your dream and, using the same reference source, lead you out. I was apparently successful, as after I did so, you woke up soon after."

Kirk coughed and tried to think of what to say. "I...thank you, Spock. I appreciate your help." He trailed off as he glanced at McCoy and hastily added, "Er, you too, Bones. Thank you. I-erm. I've got to say, I'm just a little embarrassed about the game. It was very addicting. I know I should've been filling out some reports for you, Bones, but you know they weren't really due yet anyway, and I figured they could wait a couple days or so, and really I got the games as a gift so I couldn't just _not_ play them..." He glanced at both of his best friends and finished, "Yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking now."

McCoy broke out laughing, and even Spock's mouth twitched a little.

"It's alright, Jim," McCoy chuckled, "but next time, can you please play it in a shorter streak so you're awake for your shift and don't have disturbing hallucinations about it when you get a concussion? Because really Jim, you get a lot of concussions. And I heard I was quoting something about combustible lemons?" The look of confusion on his face was priceless. "Combustible lemons," he said again, trying to understand it. He shook his head; it was hopeless. "I really don't want to know, do I?"

Spock's other eyebrow joined the first. "At least, Doctor, you were not seen as the secretive and technically silent character in the game who had an apparent descent into madness."

McCoy's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. He turned to glance at Jim, who was too shocked by everything that had happened to say anything meaningful. "Well Jim, I guess we all know how you see Spock now." Kirk tried opening his mouth to interrupt, but McCoy beat him. "Say, Spock, why don't you give me a quick lesson about the game and his dream? I'd like to see how Jim really looks at all of us onboard this ship..."

"No, don't! I mean, it was just a dream, a hallucination; it isn't what I actually think, and-"

It was too late. Clearly Spock and McCoy were going to side against him on this one.

McCoy grinned widely. "Don't worry, Jim, I won't use it against you. There's no way I'd be angry at you for not filling out your paperwork and playing a video game instead. Or not giving me my winnings yet from our card game. Or dodging around your physical again for the third time this month."

Kirk groaned.

"I also have no quarrel with you, Captain," Spock spoke up, his eyes shining and his voice a tad lighter than usual. "After all, it is illogical to hold grudges against someone. Even if said someone has shirked reading their Science Officer's thesis on their latest planetary exploration, or perhaps has not given their second in command the winnings from the chess game he insisted on betting on."

McCoy's grin got wider and wider as Spock talked, knowing exactly where he was going with it. Kirk visibly shrank.

"It is, however, logical to seek appropriate justice. Especially if those in charge of distributing said justice know exactly how to make the situation humorous to crew-members without causing insults. And if it increases morale onboard the ship..."

"Noooo. I'm doomed."

"Exactly, Jim," McCoy broke in with a mischievous smile on his face. "But don't worry. We'll have fun with it. Who knows, you might even learn a lesson about gaming too much. And best of all, I think I'll be able to get Spock to crack a smile while we do it." He rubbed his hands in glee.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Highly unlikely, Doctor," he replied dryly.

McCoy snorted. "Don't talk to me like that. I'll get a combustible lemon to burn your house down!"

Even Spock had to crack a faint smile at that.

**oooooOOOOOOOooooo**

From a place high up, out of the sight of any mere creatures such as those onboard the _Enterprise_, an certain quasi-omnipotent being chuckled to himself.

He just couldn't resist playing Kirk; it really was too much fun. Causing the ship to buck in such a way as to give Kirk the perfect concussion for the dream had been quite entertaining, to say nothing of the dream and repercussions themselves. Of course he'd allow the man to heal quickly, as he had already started doing. But the quicker Kirk healed, the quicker he could mess with him again.

And was there anything better than that?

**Thank you so much for reading, and please review! I personally loved writing this story, and I hoped you guys loved reading it, too.**

***Note I left out the swear word in Cave Johnson's quote on purpose. I just don't want to swear here, my preference. Just to let you know I do know what it really says. No worries! Also, the being at the end...well, who that is is up to you. ;)**


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